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When we fail at something important to us, whether in relationships, at school, or at work, it can be very painful. These experiences can threaten the very core of who we think we are and who we want to be. To cope with failure, we often turn to self-protective strategies. We rationalize what happened so that it places us in a more positive light, we blame other people, and we discount the importance of the event.

These strategies may make us feel better about ourselves in the short term, but they are less likely to help us improve or avoid repeating our mistakes in the future. Research shows that people who have an overly inflated view of their performance on an academic task show decrements in subsequent motivation and performance, compared to people who view themselves more realistically. It makes sense: if you already think you’re great, it may feel like there’s no need to put the effort into improving yourself.

Taking an honest look at ourselves is, of course, easier said than done. Confronting our inner demons can be overwhelming and lead to feelings of hopelessness and despair. Determined to take responsibility, we may get carried away, blaming ourselves for far more than our share and beating ourselves up emotionally.

Although many people believe that being hard on themselves will make them better people, research does not support this belief: Self-criticism has been shown to increase procrastination and rumination and impede goal progress. If you already feel worthless and incompetent, you may feel like there’s no point in even trying to do better next time.